28 Days To Confidence - Day 4

28 Days To Confidence - Day 4

Day 4: Facing your fears

Today is another one for mental strength, facing your fears.  Not all at once, unless you want to. ;)  Just focus on one fear today and face it.  It doesn't have to be big, it can be something really small, just to start off with.  It can be anything you like.  

  Fears don't magically disappear and you don't just get over them, you have to work on them.  If you never face your fears, you will always have them.  So, be brave! :)

I'm warning you now, this is a long blog post! If you don't like long posts and aren't interested in the back story, just go to the "How did I go?" section.

Getting ready for the MRI

My Story

I remember my first MRI (read about MRI's here), it's when I was first diagnosed with Chiari 1 Malformation and after that MRI, my whole life changed.  I was told to have an MRI due to daily debilitating migraines and a whole host of nasty symptoms.  I had no idea what was happening to me and when I was diagnosed with Chiari, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was really hard to take on because there isn't a cure.  The only way to solve this issue was with some pretty serious surgeries and with not a great success rate, as far as I knew.  It's also a rare condition and not much is known about it.

MRI Machine - Image source: Wikipedia

The first MRI itself was a horrible experience for me.  I don't like being in tight enclosed spaces as it is, and you can't see out of the machine.  However, when I had this MRI, I was a lot bigger, almost 150 kgs! (I'm about 103kgs now). Lucky, it was only a head scan, because my arms almost didn't fit through the machine!  As it was, my arms were pressed tight against the machine the whole time, it was not comfortable and you have to stay completely still for the hour.  Don't even get me started on the noises the machine makes during the scan!

It was soon time for my second MRI, this time it was a full body scan, not just the head.  My heart sunk, a FULL BODY! That meant that I had to be fully inside that whole tube from head to toe!  But, I had now lost about 20kgs, so I was hoping like mad that this would be much more comfortable than the last.  Thankfully, I fit in the machine! It was a pretty big win for me, however, it was still a bit of a squeeze and not much room between my arms and the machine.  It was less horrifying, however, I was still pretty anxious during the whole scan.

I then started having a heap of really horrible symptoms, as well as my current ones.  These new symptoms were quite terrifying as they were all stroke like symptoms.  My resting pulse was way up in the 100's (it's around the 70's now).  I had chest pain.  I was short of breath and wasn't able to walk a few steps without being almost out of breath.  I felt weak, exhausted and my days were spent in bed because I couldn't do much else.  

Muscle weakness got so bad, that a pen felt heavy to hold in my hand.  I felt like I was going to black out whenever I stood up and almost passed out when I would have a shower.  My hands turned blue at one stage and the doctors were worried about the low oxygen levels in my blood.  I got numbness in my left arm, leg and half my tongue.  It got so bad that sometimes I could barely walk or speak.  I was also diagnosed with Wolff Parkinson White (WPW read more about it here).  I was in and out of hospital with these horrifying symptoms but I was always told that it was not WPW causing this, that it wasn't heart related.

Normal Heart (L) and Wolff Parkinson White Heart (R) - Image shource; Wikipedia

I kept pushing for answers because I knew that this had to be something to do with my heart.  It wasn't all in my head and I needed to get to the bottom of it, no matter how many Cardiologist said it wasn't my heart or WPW.  No matter how many times I was sent home from emergency, still suffering, with them telling me it was a virus.  I finally found a great private Cardiologist who was willing to listen, she didn't know what was happening to me but she wanted to do as many tests to help me get there.  It was now time for my third MRI.

The third MRI was a Cardiac MRI.  By this stage, I had now lost about 30kgs and fitting in the machine was no longer an issue.  However, I was still anxious.  This time I had to hold my breath on and off constantly for the hour.  It is pretty challenging normally and especially when you're short of breath, but I was determined because I needed those results.  It was really uncomfortable the whole time.  The test results came back clear.

My Cardiologist suggest I then have an Electrophysiology Study (EPS read about it here), to see what was happening with my heart and if required, have an ablation to resolve the extra pathway due to WPW.  I did end up having the ablation (while fully awake mind you, painful as!).  I now haven't had any of these horrifying symptoms since.  I've also resolved my migraines through physio.  It turns out that I also had jaw joint issues - TMJ (read about it here).  I still have to see my physio every month or so and I still get headaches and a few symptoms, but so far not migraines.  I'm able to manage them through daily stretches.

So, it was now time for my fourth MRI, a spinal MRI. Due to the Chiari, there is limited space at the base of my head and specialists are concerned about there not being enough space for the cerebrospinal fluid (more about it here) to pass through.  If there is a problem with the flow of fluid, it can lead to a lot of complications, so this MRI was to ensure this wasn't happening.  I've just had the MRI, so I'm still awaiting these results.  However, I feel fantastic, I'm fairly positive that these results will come back clear.

How did I go? 

What was this blog post about again? Oh, that's right, confidence. hahaha ;) 

I found out that I was going to have this MRI after I had already started this confidence challenge on my blog.  I thought what a great opportunity to really test myself and make me face one of my fears (head on hee hee), for myself and for all of you that read my blog.  Do you see what I put myself through for you guys? ;)

Usually I spend the whole week, morning, day etc before the MRI, dreading it.  But, I thought I'd try something completely different and look forward to it.  Why would I look forward to this horrible experience?  It's all about perception.  I decided that I was going to find something positive about it, no matter how hard I had to struggle.  

Recently, I have been practicing some meditation techniques (I never thought I would do meditation, like EVER... who am I?), just to relax each day and get my head clear.  I'll go more into this later in this challenge, but during the meditation, I have been focusing on my breath, just my breath and nothing else.  I decided that I was going to apply what I have learnt over the last week and test myself.  I looked forward to the MRI now, because now it was a challenge, an opportunity.  I thought about how I was going to tackle it and it was an opportunity to relax as well.

I gave myself plenty of time to get there and arrived early.  This meant that I was more relaxed and wasn't flustered before.  I filled out the forms and waited for the nurse.  I was now back in the same room where I had my first MRI.  The memories came flooding back, I remembered how nervous I was, how different I was.  Back then I had him with me, this time I was alone.  This time I was perfectly fine with being alone and I didn't need anyone to hold my hand, to reassure me.  

I remembered last time when they sent me to the change room and I didn't fit into the largest clothes they had.  I was so embarrassed and humiliated, I had to change back into my clothes and ask for larger ones.  I ended up having a tie up gown, because that is all that would fit.  Remembering all this it made me proud.  Proud of how far I've come, proud of my struggle, proud of me.

I was so relaxed going into the MRI, laughing/joking with the staff, this time not from nerves.  The MRI started and I relaxed my body and started just concentrating on my breath.  There were times when thoughts tried to creep in, but I told myself that all I needed to do was breathe.  I didn't need to worry about anything, I didn't need to do anything, I just needed to relax and breathe.  

It worked! I was surprised when the MRI was over because this time the hour didn't drag.  I was so relaxed the whole time, that when I came out it felt like I'd had an hour long, refreshing nap!  I was so happy with myself.  I'm now going to apply this with for other stressful situations.

So, congratulations if you made it to the end of the post! Sorry it was a big one, but I haven't fully explained what was happening with me. 

What are your fears?  How are you going to face them?  Let me know! ;)